Written by Dieunica Setoute
Present day women of faith (from now on will be referred to as WOF) are faced with a serious conundrum. Modern Christian women often find themselves on a journey of self-growth and spiritual development. They pursue deeper relationships with God and gain a better understanding of their identity in Christ. In the midst of pinky promise conferences, YouTube sermons, podcasts, bible journals, and dates with God, the realities of life come knocking at the door. Often enough, WOF finds themselves longing for companionship and seek to meet their spouse and get married one day. There is nothing wrong with that because we were made to desire affection, community, and connection with others and the opposite sex (Genesis 2:18). The issue arises when there is a scarcity of the opposite sex pursuing a (real) relationship with God. When I say real, I mean past the surface level “I go to church to give God thanks for everything he’s done for me”. I mean a genuine longing and desire to know God and develop an intimate relationship with him and fulfill the calling he has over one’s life. What does WOF do when they can’t find that guy? They settle and find the best next thing; a guy with potential!
The curse of potential
These guys are often packaged with wonderful exteriors. They are sweet, kind, smart, good looking and show interest in you. Everything seems to check off your “list” except for the most important component, a healthy relationship with God. Beyond that sweet waxy coating, that man is empty, unstable, and could ultimately be destructive to your spiritual life. Yes, everyone who is not aligned with God and actively pursuing him is empty. One thing you have to understand is we are God’s masterpiece (Ephesians 2:10). He constructed every fiber of who we are to accomplish a greater purpose that is only revealed through deep fellowship with Him. Without that connection to the source, we are left ignorant of our true identity and function in this world. Think about it this way– you go and purchase a new one-of-a-kind piece of technology with no manual and no access to the inventor. I guarantee you will never utilize that piece of technology how the inventor intended for you to use it. You might even render it useless due to your inability to decipher its intended use. That’s the same reality for someone who has no idea what their purpose or identity is in [God]. That is one of the factors that make dating a man with “potential” so dangerous.
But WOF is persistent and some of the most hopeful beings you’ll ever meet. So, what do they do? They stay and start pouring into that “potential” man. They pray for him, encourage him to pursue a relationship with God, and they wait. The only problem is, they are doing all the pouring and eventually they find themselves tired and drained with little to show for it. Because the truth is, that man will never decide to pursue a relationship with God because you made him do it. First of all, that’s wrong and out of order on your part WOF. You cannot build a man into a “Godly” man for your own selfish ambition. Salvation is a free gift to everyone who makes the conscious decision to pursue it (Ephesians 2:8). And a humble reminder that you yourself will never make anyone accept Christ, that is the sole result of the power of the Holy Spirit (John 16:13) working through you as a result of your obedience to God. That man’s identity in Christ is for the benefit of God and His kingdom, not your relationship status.
As a result, many WOF find themselves angry, discouraged, and resentful for emotionally investing in someone who isn’t “returning” the same investment. They will think “I invested into this man and encouraged him to become better and he is so ungrateful and blind to it!”. Truth of a matter sis, he didn’t ask you to do that and neither did God.
This is the reality for many WOF. As a result, they start doubting God and harboring anger for their “lost investment” because relationships that are built like the one mentioned above does not last. Eventually, one person or both of them will decide that it’s not going to work out. Often times, the man in that particular situation feels an immense amount of pressure to be something they are quite frankly not equipped or capable of being. It’s not fair to them or to you to be in such a predicament.
After experiences like this, WOF often go back and review their decisions and wonder “where did I go wrong?”. The simple answer was in the beginning. It was the moment you saw the red flags (his shaky relationship or lack of, with God) and decided to continue with a romantic relationship with him anyway. It’s difficult, believe me I know, to walk away from someone you genuinely have a connection with especially if you haven’t experienced that bond in a while with anyone else. During this time of reflection would be a great time to ask the Holy Spirit to show you the truth of the situation.
The truth is you two will never be able to have a healthy and dynamic relationship if you pursue it on the basis of his potential. The best thing you could have done was be his friend!
The Bible says above all things guard your heart because everything you do flows from it (Proverbs 4:23). Entering a relationship with someone who isn’t pursuing an active relationship with God, puts your relationship with God at risk. Your growth may become stagnant because you are focusing so much of your energy on “helping” him. I am not telling you anything you don’t already know. You knew he was unequally yoked with you and you knew it would not be the wisest thing getting in a relationship with him but you proceeded anyways. The best thing you can do for him and yourself is to be his friend and pray for him from afar.
Being friends with him allows you to guard your heart while genuinely praying for him to have a better and stronger spiritual life. This will not put you at risk of neglecting your own spiritual life and growth while supporting him and his walk. Now friendship doesn’t mean that you two are acting like a couple and are doing “couple” things (you know what I mean; the late night phone conversations, cute text messages, and ANYTHING physical) while labeling yourselves as “just friends”. The devil is a lie sis and so is that belief you two are only friends if you are behaving as more than friends!
Disclaimer: Be friends with him BEFORE you even try to pursue a romantic relationship with him because honestly, it becomes a little more complicated and harder to have a platonic relationship with someone once you have dated them.
Above all things, friendship removes the “burden” of you being responsible for his walk with Christ. Because often times, if the guy does not show any signs of improving his spiritual life after all the praying and “lessons” you have taught him, you start thinking you aren’t doing enough or maybe you are lacking the right amount of faith to cause a real change. That’s not the case. The truth is you are taking on a battle that is not yours to fight. Matter of fact, that battle was already fought and won by Christ centuries ago on Calvary.
It’s not going to be a walk in the park especially if your emotions are involved already, but trust in the Lord that you serve. Come into agreement with that Jeremiah 29:11 promise for both of your lives and have faith that all things truly work for the good of those who love Christ and are called according to his will. His salvation is more important than your desire for a romantic relationship with him. At the end of the day, all things work for the glory of God and for the good of those who love and trust him.
Written by Dieunica Setoute
